Why Does the Wounded Light Worker Keep on Going?
A Fellow Lightworker
The number one thing that has kept us going is that Spirit in some form always comes through with a sign, some action, insight, a word or knowing, giving Hope, giving us a way, a reason to not stop at every boulder in the “road” of our immense journey of pretending we could be separate from Love.
As I sit here now under a darkened sky, I still hear little rain feet walking on my roof, and I remember that the sun is still shining somewhere behind those clouds. It’s part of the journey…of remembering.
Also I feel the love in my heart and soul, burning steadily…always there, reminding me I am connected.
It has not always been so, but looking back, we always see more clearly where God /Love entered to show us hope, the way, the next step … and why the next breath. In this sharing, it’s my desire that anyone still needing hope might find it here, for it’s everyone’s story; just different players and script on the carousel of life. And the overcoming belongs to everyone.
As a young child… it was the huge forest where we lived, where I would go and hide and let it swallow me, calm my body, and fill me with love and safety after a hard spanking and rejection, where I could dream again of the fairy tales and be the rescued princess.
Sometimes it was to be rescued by angels that would come, like the time my body was full of fever and would retain no water. Mother was gone. Then came the angels who told me, “You don’t want to be here, do you? Come with us.” But my Spirit had other plans, and I heard a male voice in my head say, “Get up and go to the kitchen. There is a warm glass of milk on the counter. Drink it slowly.” So I did, but it didn’t taste like milk. However, it did stay down so my body could live. It was years before I realized there was no one home at the time, and that that was a miracle.
It was ice cream after a tonsillectomy where they had to tie me down because I thought the anesthesiologist was trying to kill me. So I fought all the way.
It was the warm fur and purr of the cat who climbed through the window by my bed to comfort me when I was sick with the measles.
When I was four years old, it was what my Mother said when I told her I was going to run away from home and find a place that treated people with kindness. Her reply was, “Just let me know when you’re ready and I will help you pack.”
When at age 10, in the face of a horrible nightmare of the Papa trying to kill me, I left my body sitting up in bed, screaming so my Mother came and offered to have me to come sleep with her. And the even greater release from fear the night when my much injured Papa (physically and mentally) finally found his rest and took his leave. I awoke to a feeling of deep peace that filled every cell of my body, and I knew he was gone. It was the greatest hope that MY life could go on.
Two years later, it was the all-night agony and deep tears of regret, without any sleep because Mother had passed the day after a stroke. Somehow this over-emotional charge had made some changes in my brain. In the morning, I walked like a zombie down the stairs. Now I know it was what we call a deep trance state. The tears were gone, the agony had turned to a warm feeling in my heart, as I walked down to sit on my rock by the little stream in our yard.
I had my connection to Spirit. I wrote my first poem and it was amazing. It kept on feeding me with hope every time I read it after that. For the first time I remember I actually talked to God. I thanked him for taking my parents, and told him I had no one to take care of me now, so He would have to do it. Then out of my mouth came, “And by the way, God, I have to know the truth about life and death.” That was what I pursued in my life thereafter. I lived in constant hope of discovering it until I did.
It led me to and through many good, helpful therapies, workshops and trainings to recover my child self. I found the truth teachings of the Masters, a visit to an Immortal one in India, and then to an Ancient School of Wisdom.
Along the way after that, the body had many challenges for survival via injuries and disease. It included almost checking out twice. The first time was after a hysterectomy. In those days, no one knew much yet about something called Candida yeast overgrowth, but that was what was in the tumors in the uterus. With it gone, the yeast invaded my entire body. I lost a job because my brain stopped working like it should, and it was a road downhill physically after that.
Without the hormones and the yeast getting stronger, depression and death urges rose to the height of suicide plans. I just could not feel any connection to love, to Spirit. It was the biggest “dark night of the Soul” I could imagine.
As I tossed and turned in my bed, searching for a reason to live, I remembered I had a Soul mate somewhere. I had also been taught that the male has the qualities of strength and courage, so I called on my Soul mate, and felt an instant connection. I thanked him for coming and told him I was in need of his strength and courage, and would he please help me, or I might just be checking out of my body very soon.
I saw a golden light and felt the love awaken in my heart again. Tears of joy and relief ran down my cheeks. It was not long after that I remembered it would be a great risk to leave this body because it has such a beautiful singing voice, and there was no guarantee I might get another body that could sing. So I gave up the pursuit of checking out.
However, the Candida yeast did not check out. In the year to come, it took me to the point of death again, although it was not with emotion or a desire to leave. It just was. That was when my Master Teacher sent an amazing experience my way.
One night I was awakened just enough to hear footsteps coming down the hall, then my bedroom door opened. In my altered state, I saw the death figure; a white skeleton inside a black-hooded robe. I knew what it was, so I said a big “no” to it, and it faded away. Later in my contemplation, I realized this event was so I could say “no” to death because I had said “yes” before.
After this, I was led to a holistic healer who was doing research on Candida yeast infection, and helped me get rid of it. Two months later I had a dream where I was feasting with others in attendance with the Babaji I had visited in India. He came to me and gave me the most hopeful message of all time: “Last Nov. 16 – 17 you almost died, but We have grander plans for you.”
This became the eternal “carrot” that always led me on and kept hope in my heart, no matter what I went through on the way to this now. That included two car wrecks, a broken rib, knee, and brain concussions (all healed now).
So now it’s my hope that anyone reading this, can know even deeper that the will to live is always stronger than the will to die, because life is eternal, and truth does lead us on. Here, with our blinders veiling from us the truth and light we truly are, the invisible power of Love holds the wand of the conductor of our lives. And all that God needs is our willingness. And all we have to do is ask for help. Even when it cries out from the silence, we’re always heard.
Surely when you close your eyes to remember, there will a sunburst through the dark clouds, a warm summer night with stars filling the heavens, music so soft and sweet it wiped away all the tears and brought us a brand-new day. It’s the Love inside us, weaving golden threads of hope through troubled times. Sometimes it seems to be invisible, but if you are reading this, you lived, and it worked. Love always works.
So keep going. The Masters, Galactics and Archangels keep feeding us with the greatest hope of all: release from the separation programming and the rule of the Dark Lords, a world of peace and freedom. It includes going back “Home” with a transformed body instead of leaving it to the worm once again. Yes, it needs our focus to manifest, but it is the biggest carrot of all.
To this day, if my energy should jump below the fourth level of love, I nibble at this giant carrot of hope, and know in my heart, it’s already happening, and I see myself already safely in the oneness, in the eternal arms of Forever Love.
I drink deeply of its Truth and Joy. It has never deserted us, for our Creator is very wise, and put truth inside us where it could never hide for very long, and could never leave.