The other night I was seeing how much bad stuff that happened in my life I could be responsible for. I think I got up to seeing that 90% of injury had been self-inflicted.
Think of it for a moment. All vasanas are self-inflicted injury.
Before the vasana was formed there was an incident. That may or may not have been self-inflicted. It depends on whether it was or not whether it was or not. (Is that obvious to everyone but me?)
But once the vasana is formed around that incident like a protective shield, then every triggering of the vasana past that point is me triggering me. Every injury past that point is self-inflicted.
Past 90%, when I looked at so-called “inflicted” injuries, the process required more and more discernment, more and more hair-splitting.
This incident may be self-inflicted and self-injurious; that incident may not be.
But having reached this point, I then became convinced of the power that lies in taking responsibility for the whole of my life no matter who may actually have inflicted the pain.
It works for my growth for me to claim responsibility for the whole of my life and I did.
Enough of this sticking my foot in the water. I plunged in.
Taking responsibility does not mean I surrender all choice. Quite the contrary. It leaves me in a place of much greater responsibility to choose and to consciously experience my choice.
I still may choose not to enter into certain situations that feel uncomfortable to me. But I don’t blame another for it. I see my own responsibility for ensuring my own well-being. Because of that, I remain even more committed to being responsible in and for my choices.
But I never again fool myself that anyone did anything to me emotionally, except for me myself. That is a hard thing to keep reminding myself of. In situations of stress, I go in and out of knowing it.
And when I forget, I become every bit as big a jerk as I ever was. But at least now I know that I’m doing it to myself. There’s no one to hang the responsibility on for my jerkiness but me.