(Continued from Part 2.)
Record of the Experience – 2
It’s 6:30 a.m. and I’ve fallen asleep for an hour. During that hour, the incomplete experience has faded into the background of obviousness. But I now know where to look for it, at the top of the in-breath. I feel myself falling back to sleep again but I’ll continue to process it when I awaken. If I can.
I now have a word to put to the overall feeling experience, which is now subtle but still locatable at the top of the breath. I’d call it “dismay.”
It’s 7:45 now. Until now the process has been one of merely contacting dismay. But I momentarily felt the upwelling of emotion that I associate with the process that years ago we used to call “break open.” “Break open” meant the sudden upwelling of emotion or insight that led to resolution.
But it could often take hours or days for break open to occur. This is so deep and subterranean a feeling, and yet so obviously important to my journey, that I’m prepared to allow it to take all the time that it needs. I’ve cancelled my appointments for today and will probably need a day or two to rest after.
Earlier, after processing surface and subterranean anger, I said that I saw habits remaining. I now see that it was not habits that remained. It was this subterranean dismay. It is now 8:00.
I’m now seeing the dismay as a more passive form of this experience. Its more active form is becoming visible as regret. [I’ve now become aware of a second layer.] As regret surfaces, I come closer and closer to tears. I can write or I can process and I’m going to leave off writing for a while to surrender to processing.
It’s 8:30 and fatigue is rising. In the face of it I cannot stay awake. And I feel the regret fading like a whale that has surfaced and is now diving deep. My only connection now with this “whale” is the impediment at the top of the in-breath.
It’s 9:30 and I had my first glimpse at what this actually is. It’s a major vasana or core issue that goes back to the crib. [Having realized it was a major vasana, I began to process it as I would a vasana. I asked for an image of the earlier, similar incident involved here and got the crib.]
When I was still in the crib, I had excema as many babies do. I turned out to be allergic to milk and broke out in a rash that I’d scratch.
To keep me from scratching, my parents would tie me to the sides of the crib and wheel me into the kitchen, where they would leave me through the night. They would not come in no matter how much I cried or screamed.
The tears are coming now. Whatever it was that happened in that crib skewed my life in some way unknown to me. I was angry. I know that. I’m feeling hatred at this moment, blind hatred.
Archangel Michael mentioned this series of incidents in the crib in a past reading as the source of my anger, but I didn’t click to it then. He also said that my childhood was not intended to be as painful as it was and those words are also taking on new meaning for me now.
Interestingly he also asked me to breathe more deeply. My in-breath at this moment is the only point of contact between me and the core issue so I see why he might stress that. This core issue is an impediment to the breath. I recall the full-breath release I had in rebirthing in 1987. And I see my breath now as shallow in comparison.
I said earlier that only habits remained after my “system restore.” But I now see that it wasn’t habits that remained. What was sparking those habits was this remaining core issue (and there may be more).
It’s 10:00 now. There seems to have been a basic connection to people that snapped at that time. I do remember saying that I hate everybody. I can see myself kicking off the covers and saying hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!
And now I’m crying again.
It’s 11 a.m. and I’m tired to the point of exhaustion. Though I haven’t been able to sleep much till now, I now must sleep, whether I lose contact with my core issue or not.
It’s 11:30 and still no sleep. I now see that the whole quality of my breathing reflects this core issue. I suspect that my breathing is not normal. I anticipate that at some point, when this does break open, my breathing will become what I then recognize as “normal.” But from this standpoint, I have no idea what that will be like.
It’s a beautiful, sunny day and here I am lying on my bed. I recall a snatch of conversation from my last reading on May 9:
Steve: Where can I find information on that, Lord? Because there’s very little information on the totality of the Mother’s Plan that I’m aware of.
Archangel Michael: Within your heart.
S: Okay. All right.
AAM: It’s called lying on the bed again.
SB: Yes. That’s been so valuable lately! [laughs]
AAM: And it will continue to be.
It’s 12 noon. The whale has dived deep. It may take a day or two for this core vasana to gestate and resurface. The contours of the issue are up to surface awareness but the volcano has not yet erupted.
And maybe it never will. Maybe the time has arrived when vasanas only need to come to the surface to be released, as AAM has said. But I’m not going to assume that. I’m going to rest now and take a small walk later in this incredible sunshine. And then I’ll keep tracking it.
This ends my exploration.