Then just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water…
This was interrupted by the sudden explosion of a core issue. At the same moment that I saw the value of collaboration, I also saw the core issue I have with it. The one followed the other like the right and left foot.
In retrospect, I’m not surprised by it. But it took a lot of processing to see the connection and why it came up just then. I’d thought I was finished with vasanas (a vasana is a reaction pattern traceable to a traumatic incident in the distant past) and so for the first while I didn’t suspect that a major vasana had gone off. What I was aware of for the first few hours was simply writhing in agony.
The incident that lies at the heart of what I now see is a core issue or major vasana was connected to being tied to the crib as a baby because I had excema. My mother and father would wheel me into the kitchen every night and leave me there to cry myself to sleep.
I see now that the infant in that crib reached the decision that he hated everyone for the suffering he was made to go through. And that now exists in the present as a second subterranean feeling, earlier-learned and buried more deeply than the later-formed anger.
I’m not sure you can imagine how that would skew relating, especially if unseen. There’s a perennial holding back and a contradictory response to love and happiness. That lifted recently and I’m able to experience my passion again. But it was a long journey.
Archangel Michael referred to the crib incident in one of my recent readings. I’m not sure I can find the reference right now and I only dimly remember what he said. If I recall correctly I traced my anger back to age seven, but he said it came from much earlier. It came from the crib, he said. At the time the comment didn’t click with me but last night it did.
I said earlier that only habits remained after the “system restore.” No, it wasn’t habits that were going off. It was this second subterranean feeling. Who knows if more remains?
While I haven’t completely processed the vasana, I did succeed in seeing it by the time I fell asleep in the early morning and in identifying the impediment on the in-breath that remained my only point of contact with it. Like many major vasanas, it may take time to complete.
It took hours to even attach a name to it. I finally saw it as dismay. Then it deepened into regret. And then it settled into hatred.
Vasanas can have layers. One feeling layer can yield to another and that’s what was happening for me. All the layers must be seen through and completed for the vasana to completely lift. That seldom happens on a single pass (unless you’re Ramana Maharshi).
Working backwards in my seeing of it, when the vasana was recorded, hatred led to regret because of what I did with it and the unnaturalness of an infant seeing life that way. Regret led to dismay because there seemed no way out of a life lived in this manner.
Nevertheless it had to be experienced in the reverse order, from the topmost layer down.
It’s something like an archaeological dig. The archaeologist comes upon the most recent layers first but the population who lived on the site lived on the deepest layers first. The archaeologist experiences the dig in the reverse order that the population lived it.
It isn’t unusual that a major vasana be processed for days before it erupts in full force. And it isn’t unusual that I can’t find a name for quite some time for the emotion I’m feeling. Dismay is not a well-known feeling. I felt it but searched and searched for the word that described it. And you know that vasanas are filed in the mind under the names of associated feelings.
By the time I reached hatred, after hours of processing, it showed itself as the cause of every mean and nasty thing I’ve ever done in my life. How can one ever make amends for something that spanned a whole lifetime, from an infant onwards?
And it didn’t yield to going back to a time before it. What time comes before the crib?
I also see it as the source of my inability to hear a compliment. When one as an infant makes a decision that one hates everyone, it can only lead to a lifetime of regret and who can hear through such a mindset?
Who would have thought that so much could have come out of something that happened so long ago? But that’s the very nature of a vasana.
As you read through the record of it, please keep in mind that at the beginning I did not have the view of it that I had at the end. The experience unfolded and it was only at the end that I could see the whole picture, or as much as I see at this point.
So please hang in with the changes that occur as the picture deepens and unfolds. I’m going to leave my notes as I recorded them for what it shows about the unfolding of a major vasana or core issue.
I mentioned earlier that our Ascension could be rocky if we had residue to process and the continuing contact with this particular remnant or residue of hidden pain is showing me how rocky this part of the journey can potentially be.
I’m now using Ho’oponopono to forgive the infant for the choices he made.
Many may not go through a difficult experience such as I’m having. I know some people who haven’t. But I am. And my task is to communicate it, no matter how confronting that may be. And communicating this vasana is about as challenging as it gets.
It would be so much easier to process it silently, behind the screen. But there would be far less value in going that route. Many of you write me and say these accounts help, which is why I choose to process publicly.
The recounting of the experience is long and I apologize for that. I apologize to those with whom I cancelled appointments in order to remain undistracted while in this experience and I thank them for their understanding.
(Continued in Part 2.)