This is undoubtedly where I got highjacked by egoic pride, this place where I conquered fear and death, separating and compartmentalizing myself away from all that could be threatening to my life continuing, all this coming from a deeply unconscious place by the way.
This pride has been masquerading as a good thing, my protective buffer, when it’s actually the separation of fear, messing with my ability to assign value to everything in appropriate ways, as well as my ability to relate to others in trusting and loving ways.
Like beads on a string, I’m becoming aware of even deeper levels of fear in my being. Fear that’s coming out of my body, my very cells – or so it feels. While this looks on the surface to be a ridiculous excuse for this amount of fear to reside hidden there under this thin veneer of pride, this too is a value judgment, one I’m fairly certain I don’t even have enough information to make. I’m in the process of doing some deep personal diving to discover the truth of what this body is holding, which is giving this signal out that’s making me squirm and long for it to just go away.
So, here’s this puzzle. The clue is that pride is hiding something deeper that is being felt as fear. This fear feels seriously like it’s a signal given to protect my life. Whaaaaa? But just because this puzzle isn’t popping open with the tool of reason doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on solving it.
‘Remove this fear and move out of the protection of pride and you’ll endanger your life’. This is the message this fear has delivered to me. Ahhh, now I see… This is a measure of my trust in life itself and my trust in my brothers and sisters in this world. Behind the resistance to asking was the pride, behind the pride was the fear, and behind the fear is my inability to trust.
So when did I agree to give so much of my power and my ability to trust in life, in living, and in others, away? This is clearly a way to separate myself from others. Only now can I see how this distorts my view of who they are, as well as masquerading as something I’m not.
I don’t remember making these decisions. No wonder there’s this deep sadness that I’ve been floundering in! If this is what’s stuck in my body tissues, my cells , and what I believe on some deep and hidden level of my being, then it’s indeed very, very sad.
These deep-seated feelings and fears aren’t always so easy to ‘reason’ away, I know. In fact, for the most part there isn’t any way to apply reason to them at all.
The reasoning part of my mind has already had this discussion and even gone on a voyage of observation and discovery on this issue lasting many decades. It’s been definitively proven, with tons of evidence to back it up, that the true nature of my fellow human beings is benevolent (even if defensive and fearful), and that the nature of the Universe Itself is abundant and exponentially benevolent.*
This entire recent experience of self discovery has unveiled yet another layer of the matrix of me that isn’t really me. Looking at this from an observer’s position, it makes little sense at all, and this part of me is in amazement that it can even exist in my space. But it does exist and I can promise I’m feeling it!
What I’m feeling is lack consciousness. What I’m feeling is directly associated with the beliefs I hold about life being a place lacking what I need to sustain me, and about my fellow humans being unwilling to help, share, and care for me.
Nothing to do at this point in my view except to take all this not-true tangle of beliefs and feelings and surrender it to the Divine for transmutation. I’m throwing all this not-me into the Sacred Fire, perhaps again and again, until these feelings are finished with signaling to me what is clearly not real and not true. This lack consciousness deeply imbedded into me and my body is my current fuel for the sacrificial fire.
* A quick way to ‘prove’ this Universal Benevolence out is to figure out how many days you’ve lived so far and to then subtract how many days you’ve been without all you need to survive and even thrive.
Days you’ve been fed, had shelter, been able to breathe and so forth don’t get subtracted, neither do days you just had a poor attitude.
Take the number you subtracted and compare it to the number of days in your life. Does it still make sense to worry and allow fear to motivate every relation we have to each other and to the Universe?
It’s a matter of perspective. It actually defies reason to think and feel that the Universe is a hostile place.