Yesterday was spent mainly in bed, wrestling with tremendous exhaustion (Ascensionitis). But also wrestling with a thorough renovation of myself, a coming out of the closet, on a matter I’ve been dodging for years.
I gave up an image I was projecting of myself and reached a place of peace with what is really true for me, but which I’ve been in denial about most of my life.
I’ve been denying to myself that I am in fact a mission-driven person and trying to portray myself as straddling both camps – the camp of being normal and the camp of being captured by my mission and happy being so.
I’ve represented myself as doing all the normal things that a person does – going on long holidays, being available around the clock for friendly socialization, on and on – when the truth of the matter is that I’ve lost my enjoyment for these things and really judge almost anything I can think of in life on whether it contributes to my mission or not.
I exercise, eat, invite relationships and do almost any other thing from a mission-driven perspective and to represent the situation as being otherwise is simply image management.
I’ve been a little like a person wearing a cloche hat and pretending to be thoroughly modern.
To deny anything that’s true is to open myself to being conned and manipulated. To accept the truth of the situation and the pain that may go along with it is to remove myself from the possibility of being easily conned and manipulated.
This really isn’t a normal life for me and I’m happy it isn’t. I’m prepared to accept the loneliness that comes from having few friends. I’m prepared to avoid the scenes where people who don’t share my appraisals of life congregate and socialize. I’m prepared to accept the criticism that comes from having the estimations of life I do and what’s important to them.
To actually admit that to myself, and what’s more – to come out of the closet and admit it to others – shows up for me like opening myself to significant short-term pain. But there’s also the achievement of a congruency that’s been lacking in my life and the achievement of long-term peace within myself.
So what if I give up ten percent of my happiness to those who would criticize my choice? I’ll pay the price.
I can now get down to work and shape the rest of my life consistent with my decision to serve and stop trying to pretend that I or my life is otherwise. And I can begin valuing skills and talents in me that contribute to my work even if they depart from the social norm. So what if I become powerful? That’s a good thing, not a bad thing for a person with my mission.
It cannot be an accident that while musing over these matters, I read the following passage from Tazjima:
“You are, indeed, undergoing a profound period of change, a [transformative] process where you are becoming a new being, one who can anchor and carry the high frequency energies within a physical body and still function in the world. …
“Your planet is becoming a sacred planet, one of twelve in the Universe, a very special place, and you are here to assist in this birthing process. It is a sacred trust and right now, it is a work in progress. …
“It has been a lonely time for many lightworkers, who have been sprinkled liberally across the face of the planet, many being the sole anchor of light in their communities.
“All of you came with specific missions or dharma to complete. You chose to be here for a purpose, a holy purpose. Open to your greater being and discover that purpose for yourself.” (1)
A friend reminded me that Archangel Michael spoke about “the new normal” and this shows up for me as being exactly that. I want my mission to set the parameters of my life. I want to stop pretending and putting my mission in second place. My service is the new normal for me.
All of this isn’t to say that I consent to lose my balance. I don’t. But remaining balanced is important to me because it contributes to the success of my mission. It’s the assessment criteria that change, not necessarily the goals.
Just as there’s a new normal, so there’s also a new innocence. Rather than seeing myself as guilty because I’m mission-driven, I begin to see myself as innocent. I came here to do this work and that’s not something I need any longer to apologize for. My friends are others who also came to do their work. We don’t set each other up for failure because we want to serve. We support each other in succeeding.
(1) “Metamorphosis – All is in a State of Flux,” 26 Feb 2013, by Tazjima at http://goldenageofgaia.com/2013/02/the-angelic-legions-of-the-divine-mother-via-tazjima-metamorphosis-all-is-in-a-state-of-flux/