It’s my private belief that some of us, or perhaps many of us, I don’t know, are being drawn through the eye of the needle at this time.
I’m at this moment going through a process that feels as if I’m like a tube of toothpaste being squeezed and everything at the end of the tube is blackness.
It’s as if everything black, everything bad, everything evil inside me from whenever it hails is gathering at the end of the toothpaste tube and spilling out.
I believe this is a time when all the things that went wrong in our lives, all the misbegotten patterns of behavior, everything we’ve been complaining about, every perpetration we ever did, every foul thing we said or thought is coming up to be re-experienced and released. Or maybe just released. Don’t know yet.
I don’t say this to alarm others. Quite the contrary. I say it to reassure them. If I can go through this, and go through it publicly, woodenhead that I am, anyone can.
Please allow me to share this without ridiculing me for what I say. I personally believe this is an important share. And I don’t want to lose my nerve and not say it.
The triggers for this release are irrelevant (and they always are), (1) except for the valiance of those unfortunate friends and relatives who’ve served unwittingly as transference screens to have this whole rotten and corrupted mass of blackness explode.
For however long this process of release of a lifetime of hatred lasts I am poisonous and toxic. And I should be away from people.
But not like any of this is a bad thing. It’s not. This had to happen and it’s a wonderful thing. Just not pleasant to go through – for anyone.
I was alerted to what was happening when I discovered myself transferring a huge amount. And transferring uncontrollably. It came pouring out of my mind, not all of it being articulated.
I saw then that something really urgent was happening and needed to be taken care of. It was at that moment that I began to look deeply. And matters just got worse the deeper I looked. I have some accounting to do but i cannot let that play upon my mind at this moment.
What I know is that this eruption of blackness has been a long, long time brewing. I’ve dug a hole for myself that’s so deep behaviorally that there would’ve been no way at all I could have completed this life without facing it, not with us going through the eye of the needle.
This deep hole has been purchased with lies and excuses and denials and every other misguided and irretrievably-mistaken move I’ve made in my life. Most of these hail from long, long ago but it doesn’t seem to matter. Everything is up and before me. I feel afraid to make a move in any direction.
No complaints! I’m definitely not complaining. I’m so happy that this should surface and will be glad when it utterly leaves me, by the grace of the Mother.
I’m releasing this ball of blackness and evil to her as fast as it arises but the amount of control I have over the process is not at this moment great. I feel like a woman in birth.
I suppose what I want to say here in ending and why I say this at all is to reassure people that I feel almost certain this is a programmed release, as hard for us and for those around us to bear as it is. (And I will make amends.)
I apologize to all I have harmed. I accept full responsibility for all the hurt I have caused. Not only now but throughout my life. I attribute none of this to any other but me. And I look forward to being on the other side (when I am) and completely free of it. I am a happy man that this is happening. I definitely need to be rid of this blackness as an act of service.
So I remove myself from polite society until this truckload of grievances, upsets, resentments and every other form of blackness I’ve been carrying around all my life does whatever it needs to do to leave me.
(1) That is, we are almost never upset for the reasons we think we are. The source of the upset lies in the distant past and not in the person standing before us.