My financial circumstances having needed to become public, why would I miss out on processing publicly the vasanas that arise? (1)
What better time to demonstrate this clearing process than when things have seemingly gone down the toilet, when I’m exposed, in some ways bleeding, in some ways wanting to run and hide?
What’s the good of going through good-hair days publicly if one is not prepared to go through bad-hair days? Is it not self-serving just to present one’s good side and hide one’s shadow side?
So I tune in to the inner ruckus.
The vasanas are going off inside me violently, chaotically, singly and in layers, overlapping each other, jostling for my attention.
Embarrassment as my personal affairs enter the public arena. Resentment as some friends imply that I’ve been unwise. Self-pity as the financial chickens come home to roost. A desire to defend myself. The realization that hiding is futile – on and on the reaction patterns flare and the argument goes on within myself. The sleeping volcanoes of my own private Ring of Fire explode together, smoke and ash rising high into the sky of my own awareness.
And layered over all of them is a sense of exhaustion as the work piles up. But is this not the time to go through all of it publicly? Else where the value, the learning, and the benefit?
Once the first big event happens (mass arrests, NESARA, Disclosure), will not all our cards fly into the air and chaos reign? If chaos reigns in my own personal life at this moment, is it not fortunate? What difference between this time and that? Is it not desirable to go through what we’ll all be going through now, if even for different reasons?
The mere acknowledgment that so many alarm bells are going off inside of me has – fortuitously and unexpectedly – resulted in a sense of getting my arms around the totality of the chaos.
A strange and new calmness asserts itself from an unknown quarter simply from naming the extent of the chaos that rages inside of me at this moment. That calmness seems to spread.
I think what I’m saying at this moment is a testimony to the rising energies. I seem to have a new capability to endure. This unexpected rise of a sense of calmness from inside corroborates the feeling at a lower level of anxiety that I’ve been having recently that my tolerance and patience has increased, expanded. I’m not sure that I could have “gotten on top of” this much chaos and alarm six months ago.
I’ve watched myself react less violently to other incidents of disappointment and frustration recently and now I see that I’m mysteriously able to handle more chaos and alarm. This is completely new and unexpected. This must be another testament to what is happening in 2012.
The calmness continues to rise and spread, overtaking the chaos and anxiety. This is definitely something strange and unfamiliar. I believed I would have had to source each vasana that’s raging inside of me individually. That would have been something new for me, like juggling ten balls in the air.
But instead I meet a totally-new sense of peace that’s saving me from all that work. The vasanas are quieting down without a great deal of processing from me. “Peace descends” is definitely an apt description.
This is completely unexpected. I’ve again attained a sense of peace, but without needing to source a single vasana. I can’t explain how this has happened. I’ve never been able to do this before.
I flash on my favorite cartoon of all time, which I’ve never been able to find again though I know I have it somewhere. In it, a gilled animal, half fish, half amphibian, has partly exited the water, partly crawled up on the land and is saying, “9.05 a.m. and I’ve reached dry land. Lungs are working. I’m breathing normally. So far so good.”
Having crawled up on some equally new and strange perimeter, with vasanas raging, my life in tatters, I too have found some strange, new capability. The storm has quieted inside of me. The vasanas have settled down without my needing to take heroic measures and a degree of calmness has returned.
There’s nothing more to say about it. Normality has returned as if the storm has dissipated by some strange hand.
The biggest storm of my life to date and it just melted away. I don’t believe this attributable to anything I’ve done. I haven’t done anything yet. I was getting ready to, but now there is no need.
I don’t think it says anything at all about me. I think it’s a sign of the times and the rising energies.
No show today, I’m afraid. Perhaps the time of needing to source vasanas has passed. I don’t know. But I’m free of the emotional turmoil and there is no more to say beyond that.
From storm to calm in less than five minutes, without the need to process. I can’t wrap my head around it and can only state my surprise at this welcome development.
Well, evidently that’s it. I’m sorry to have called everyone out here and no fireworks. Totally unexpected. My life is back to normal with no more fanfare than that. Christians 1, Lions 0. There’s nothing for it but to return to work.
(1) A vasana is a reaction pattern formed out of our unwillingness to totally experience traumatic circumstances from the usually-distant past.