“Many are feeling very stressed and enervated as the issues that they need to address and release in order for them to awaken demand their attention. Your awakening is guaranteed, and the moment when it will happen is approaching very rapidly.
“Consequently, the issues that attach you to the illusion have to be dealt with. You know this deep within yourselves, and so they are being driven up into your awareness to enable you to acknowledge and release them.
“They are basically your fixed ideas and beliefs on which you base your judgments: I am being abused; I am a helpless victim of circumstances; these people are forcing me to do this; I am of little worth; it’s not my fault; how could s/he treat me like this; I will not put up with this; s/he is wrong and should not be allowed to get away with it; they deserve punishment; what s/he did was unconscionable. . . on and on – a litany of unloving thoughts and attitudes. To awaken you have to release all of them and embrace acceptance, forgiveness, and unconditional love.
“Because you can feel the approach of the moment of awakening, you are also experiencing a sense of urgency which is pushing these issues into your conscious mind so that you can release them.” (1)
This certainly describes my situation at the moment. On occasion this past week, I’ve felt angered over small things, dragged down by thoughts which have never been so persistent as now, and hard-pressed not to project my rising vasanas onto others.
If you looked at the record on the face of things, you might conclude that I’m not doing overly well at the moment. However it’s very suspicious that, when I listen to myself groan and grumble, what I have to say are things that I’ve been saying since forever. Obviously I’m not dealing with something new.
That has me suspect that Saul is right – that our leftover old business is coming up to be released.
This weekend I was in a perfectly wonderful Vipassana workshop and all I could do was mope around in a persistent atmosphere of gloom.
Last week it was arrogance and jealousy and this week it’s gloominess.
When I ask for an image that would suggest where the earlier, similar upset is located, I see myself as a young child playing indoors. I have a sense that I’ve been mistreated by other neighborhood children and so I’ve chosen to be off by myself. There’s a sense of despondency and despair about it all.
So I ask my mind for an image of an earlier, similar incident and I see something that happened in early childhood. My best three friends decided to play a trick on me. When I came to meet them, each one of them, without saying anything to me, suddenly took off in three separate directions, leaving me all alone.
I was devastated.
I went home and determined that I would never have friends again. And I began to find ways of occupying myself in the house. I built dinosaur dioramas and model airports. I read lots and lots of books.
Yes, that fits. And the ache in my heart gradually lifts. So I’m now going back through the detritus of my life and reliving my worst nightmares, so to speak. Well, I’m glad to see this one lift because it’s brought me the worst spell of gloom I’ve felt in a long time.
So let’s just be clear. A vasana, an archaic habit pattern born of an ancient upset, surfaced and took over my life. I tried to get to the bottom of it earlier, but it had not yet matured, so to speak. I could not locate any picture that addressed the situation.
But this time I tried and my mind shot up the picture of my abandonment by childhood friends. And when I sat with that, the upset disappeared. The truth had set me free once again, which is the proof that I found the relevant incident. This is the upset clearing process.
I feel the return of love, joy and happiness. Phew! Not even meditation allowed me to source that upset. But now it’s gone and I’ve won another round.
What’s next? What further old memories lurk to be revealed and released? This must be one of the toughest periods since I became aware of the events of this era. How much longer will these memories need to be dredged up before we reach bottom?
Time to rest and prepare for whatever else needs to come up in the Big Let-Go we’re all of us going through right now.
(1) Saul, “All your issues are coming up with an intensity that very few have experienced,” through John Smallman, Jan. 8, 2012, at http://johnsmallman.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/all-your-issues-are-coming-up-with-an-intensity-that-very-few-have-experienced/