Building Nova Earth: Toward A World That Works for Everyone

Primitive Vasanas Emerging

Arrogance

I’m not sure how it is for you, but I’m noticing a layer of deep and unusual vasanas surfacing in me.  I’m going to call them “primitive” vasanas. They are not noticeably anchored to any triggering events. They exist as free-floating responses to life in general, rather than as specific responses to earlier, traumatic episodes.

I’m tempted to call them moods, attitudes or orientations. They seem to be basic ego structures. And my working hypothesis is that they are being laid bare or being called out of me (and us) by the rising energies.

One is pride/arrogance and the other is guilt/shame.  It feels like I’m back at an early age, an age when social relationships are just beginning to form and my responses to social situations are fairly primitive. I assume that, as we complete more and more of our unfinished business, we go back in time, becoming at last as children, fit to enter the Kingdom of Heaven – or so I hope.

Pride I would define as a feeling of self-satisfaction with an action done. Arrogance I would define as a settled conviction of being superior, above another, better than another, etc.  I notice that a run of instances in which I feel pride produces the settled conviction of arrogance.

Guilt and shame are at the other end of the spectrum. I would define guilt as the recognition of a failed action, fumbled ball, or mis-step. If there were a whole series of failed actions, then I imagine I would feel the settled conviction of shame. Shame I would define as feeling inferior, below another, less than another. I’m not feeling shame at this moment. But I can see that a run of failed actions or dropped balls would lead to it.

I have to emphasize that I have not dropped any balls so this feeling is not anchored to anything that is happening out there. It’s a free-floating emotion and it’s persistent, rather than something that comes and goes. At least persistent for now. I’m not sure where it will go, but I’m intent on completing the experience of it.

I’m on vacation and doing nothing much more than relaxing and enjoying myself.  Though I try to source these feelings, I come up empty each time. That’s why I suspect I’m hitting a base layer of the ego.

If I inhabit these feelings, get behind them, project them or act them out, then I perpetuate them. Each time I act as if they are me, I re-energize them and give them a new lease on life. My hope is that by observing and being with them, as I would any other vasanas, they will eventually complete themselves and lift.

Shame

To talk about these matters itself, I see, raises shame. One is not supposed to acknowledge feelings like pride, arrogance, guilt, or shame.  Acknowledging them is itself seen as a dropped ball and a gaffe. But failing to acknowledge them risks condemning me to “wearing them” and I think that we in society can spot these moods very easily in another. So there’s nothing in particular to be gained from feeling these ego states and not acknowledging them, as far as I can see.

This level or layer of feeling appears to represent a really deep, protective mechanism built around the ego and must be laid bare if it is to be gone through. And my second working hypothesis is that all of us need to go through this layer, not only me.

Unless I’m willing to feel these four nagging and persistent feeling states or moods, to accept them and inhabit them without becoming them, I don’t think I can complete them. So here I am, on my holiday, in a most incongruous fashion, feeling vain and arrogant and guilty and ashamed by turns, for no apparent rhyme or reason. Only if my aim is somehow to build personality structures would this be counter-productive. But if my aim is to deconstruct personality structures, then it makes good sense.

My aim is to be free of the tugs of ego and so this layer of deep orientations, attitudes or moods must be gone through. But it’s a most unsettling and vulnerable phase nonetheless.  And it’s taking all my mustered courage to be transparent enough to discuss it.

 

 

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10 Comments
  1. Thank you for putting into words what I myself have noticed the last few days. Being human is not easy and sometimes expressing oneself is extreamly hard. I suppose that is why many choose not to “look” inside. It is needed for healing and growth beyond self.

    with much Love, Rhonda

  2. Steve,
    Thanks so much for articulating this. I have also been noticing this kind of vasana (I call them ‘primal resistances’ because they feel like a deep resistance within me to truth and to love, and to God) over the last few months and it is good to hear others are feeling this.
    I really appreciate the way you describe this process: “Unless I’m willing to feel these four nagging and persistent feeling states or moods, to accept them and inhabit them without becoming them, I don’t think I can complete them”.
    That really captures the way I have been trying to deal with them. Embodying the feeling as fully as possible without acting it out, and just witnessing it as it burns itself out in my body, without judging it or myself.
    Keep up the great work
    Z

  3. I, too, have been going through this. I thought it had something to do with solar flares, and maybe it does. It does seem to be my old issues coming up for examination and purging. So, it’s good to know I am not the only one going through this. In fact, a whole bunch of people are experiencing this!
    Carla

  4. Steve, thank you so much for posting this. It shows us that we are not alone in the feelings that arise within us that we are not proud of.
    But at least we notice them now, whereas once we might not have noticed that our thoughts were not as we wished them to be.
    Now we have the opportunity to decide not to act on them but to just accept them and go on.
    Jackie

  5. Just letting you know, for the sake of camaraderie … me, too.

    Very painful.

    Many use birthing as a metaphor with ascension, and indeed, this
    feels like the culmination of “transition” in labor as well — when the womb
    is dilated to a measure of ’10.’ Interestingly, this is when, in contemporary western births anyway, we often witness the mother in her vulnerable state, spewing a kind of uncontrolled rage or energy release as she begins to push.

    (See Denise LeFay’s recent post here regarding her take on the numbers.)
    http://goldenageofgaia.com/2011/10/denise-le-fay-10-10-11-and-10-11-11/

    Soon, we will let go with a long, releasing out-breath into newness and light, right?
    It’s fun doing this together, everyone.
    Thanks for bringing us along, Steve.

    • Thanks everyone for sharing that. I was wondering if I was alone in feeling these hugely-awkward feelings. I’m glad to see I’m not.

      Namaste,

      Steve

  6. I’ve been going through exactly the same for the last 5 days!
    Deep, old resistance of its finest, layers of a type of consciousness I thought I had by far left behind me. At least in this intensity. I’ve felt completely disconnected, from everything, like going back 10 years or more.

    I attribute this partially to the comet that crashed into the sun last Saturday, causing a huge explosion on the sund, and the solar flare X type directed at Earth on the same day. I noticed over the last months that I am emotionally reacting strongly to solar activity.

    I prayed to my sould guides and the Creator god to lessen the impact of these phases of unconsiousness, if possible.

    Good to know, I’m not the only one experiencing this!

  7. Me too, kind of a clarity around the issues that I have been healing for a while…like nuggets comming back to remind me of my path in this life. very interesting!

  8. Yes! I’ve been experiencing this as well… I also thought it was either to do with the solar flares or perhaps some “symptom of the ascension” process but this hits it on the head…

    I feel great after the last few days but for about two weeks before that my emotional energy had a distinctly toxic feel to it, but I couldn’t attribute it to anything… my mind couldn’t link it to a traumatic experience… I think I’ve processed it mostly (at least that layer) because I feel great as of late. :)

    Very interesting to see it’s not only me!

    P.S. Steve – I think it would be awesome to allow discussion on more of these posts, I feel there’s a lot of valuable and interesting conversations that could stem from that… case in point – this one!