Later Later. I seem to have passed through the eye of the needle (this “moultdown”) almost effortlessly this time. Paradox and contradiction have fallen away and I feel a new level of ease. It must be the rising energies. OK, incident report closed.
Later. This process appears to be happening in a gentle and non-problematic way this time around. I’m actually enjoying moulting my shell once again. And now I’ve been called away on a family errand and won’t be back until later this afternoon.
I think each one of us, no matter who we are, has a meltdown point. We reach it when two issues intersect and leave us no apparent way forward.
At that moment we are left without a guide or means of escape. That which we’ve been avoiding up till now, perhaps unconsciously, we can no longer avoid. We quickly consume ourselves.
I’ve been in this place a few times in my life and it has never appeared an easy one to abide. I’m in it now.
Two issues have joined themselves for me: support for the truth and avoidance of self-righteousness.
What happens when I feel (not am, but feel) I’m standing alone in support of truth? Am I not at that moment in danger of falling into self-righteousness? How could 50,000 Romans be wrong and I alone be right? The situation is highly suspect. The person who feels himself alone in being right is surely deluded and subject to self-righteousness, is that not the case?
I am not really in a position where 50,000 Romans are wrong and I am right. But at some point the possibility arises and the mere possibility is confronting and can cause meltdown.
When I have to make a decision that means risking being at odds with most, if not all, of my friends, peers, and associates, I find myself confronting meltdown.
The last time I was in it was on Oct. 15, 2008, one day after Oct. 14. On that day, the decloaking predicted for the 14th had shown it was not going to happen and I took the occasion of being at an Enlightenment Intensive event called a “dyad” to express my anger and disappointment towards apparently unreliable allies (the galactics) to my group.
I was ostracized by the group who did not want to be discussing little green men. I was asked to stop discussing the matter or leave the group and I chose to leave. I had to endure a time in which it felt like my personality was in meltdown. And I had to endure it without becoming self-righteous.
Once before when I was with a girlfriend with whom I had a terminal disagreement, facing an issue that appeared to us to be irreconcilable – in other words, when the price of disagreement was the relationship itself – I felt myself in meltdown.
Now here I do too.
The price of refusing to join in a meme against Julian Assange, calling him a “Zionist” when I don’t believe it for a minute, has brought me to a place where I may seem to need to part company with people I’ve regarded as good friends. Some of them are self-realized gentlemen. Again I’m confronted with enlightenment not necessarily being equated with truth.
While I defend myself as standing for the truth, I know I run the risk of being self-righteous and I don’t have the luxury of being in company at this moment, at least not within the world of my own mind.
Matthew said that Wikileaks leak would make “not a whit” of difference. (Dec. 6, 2010.) Supposing Matthew too considered Julian a Zionist agent? Would I stand apart from Matthew too? And of course I would. I won’t participate in a meme for the sake of anyone or anything. That occasion would be one on which I’d prefer to stand alone.
I don’t think Matthew considers Julian a Zionist agent, but even confronting the mere possibility of disagreeing with someone I respect as much as Matthew sends me into dissonance.
A meme is to the political what a vasana is to the individual – it’s a narrowing of views which carries with it the danger of becoming sclerotic. I don’t choose to become sclerotic no matter what the cost in terms of lost friends.
But I also don’t choose to delude myself into self-righteousness – hence the bind.
I’m watching my personality implode, which is not a bad thing. All personality structures must implode eventually, I believe. If this is the time for mine to implode, I’ll be with and observe that implosion and then stand in the imploded space without my personality, if that’s what it takes.
I don’t have the luxury of taking time out while my personality disintegrates. It’s a process that one should go through by oneself. But I will continue to work because events are simply too important not to follow.
Today I work while my personality distintegrates. This may be a new turn of events for me. There is nothing to worry about. I’m not my personality. And I suspect that personality meltdown may be an ascension-related process and nothing to worry about. (I’ll tell you later.) Perhaps I can be allowed to go through this process without comment. It’s a time to be alone, at least mentally, and a thing to do alone.
OK, I’m ready.