I feel disoriented, discombobulated. I feel like an actor who has suddenly awoken to the fact that everything he says is scripted and feels a sudden aversion to speaking lines. I go to construct a sense of self and cannot get off the launch pad.
I think my greatest objection to Hillary Clinton’s speech yesterday was that it sounded like mere words written by a nameless, faceless speechwriter and spoken by an actress. I had not the slightest feeling that she was behind anything she said.
I recall once reading a column by Alcuin Bramerton to the effect that Hillary is a clone. (1) But I found myself thinking of her more as a robot. No signs of life there. I felt appalled, disgusted at being sold such a bill of goods.
I hear Saul speaking in my mind about the illusion. I hear Lauren Gorgo, Suzan Carroll and Lisa Renee talking about how we are neither in 3D nor 5D but suspended in between. I am truly in suspended animation, but in a peculiar sense. I remain animated but feel suspended.
I have a sense of moulting a shell but no sense of a new one. I have a sense of laying aside the script but no sense of anything more to say, spontaneous or otherwise. I have a sense of feeling utterly finished with everything that has gone before but absolutely no sense of what is next.
I looked for any accompanying symptoms and found none. I don’t feel fatigue, vertigo, a cold, a flu – nothing. I just feel as if my life as a script, a play, a performance is over.
Now this is decidedly inconvenient, given that I’m here to report and interpret. But it isn’t as inconvenient as it might be if I needed to go to work tomorrow. I think if I did, I’d be in a panic. Especially if I faced the need to preside over a legal inquiry into matters of weight or consequence. I don’t think I could do it but I wouldn’t know what condition to complain of either. In some real sense, I’m not here.
No matter how I try to put a face on, I can’t do it. The face won’t go on and I have nothing to replace it with. There is a voice here but no face.
It’s always better if someone else is going through a space like this, never fun to go through oneself. The only consolation is that we’re all going through spaces today, many totally without precedent. So looking crazy is … well, normal. I have lots of wonderful company. No matter what form of craziness I feel, I’m certain that someone else among us is also going through it, somewhere, right now.
What Saul calls the “illusion” is breaking up and breaking down. But I feel no sense of liberation or bliss or anything else. I feel no particular way. I feel present without a shell, face, script, past or future. I’m reduced to mere trust that all is as it should be.
I’m not going to run and hide. I’m going to be here in this space without the supports and crutches my identity represents or was based on. I have no idea what I may say or how I may act. The idea of being a fictional personality for even a minute longer is totally out of the question for me but without the slightest idea of what I am.
Well, I feel better for saying that. I’m now present with no fakery, no constructed self. I have stopped constructing self. I’m deconstructed. I’m laid bare. Life without a self. That’s what it feels like. Bernadette Roberts felt she was going insane when she awoke without a self. (1) I know I’m not insane. I don’t even have that refuge.
(1) Alcuin Bramerton,”The Bilocation of Hillary Clone-Clinton – Governments & The Illuminati,” Hyperspace Café.com, at perspace Cafe Metaphysical Forum http://www.hyperspacecafe.com/forum13/3907.html. Located to http://www.angelfire.com/space2/light11/fc/corrob1.html#clones1
(2) Bernadette Roberts, The Experience of No-Self. A Contemplative Journey. Boston and London: Shamballa, 1985 and Path to No-Self. Boston and London: Shamballa, 1985. However I’m not meaning to suggest this is the experience of No-Self. That occurred for Bernadette after seventh-chakra Brahmajnana (God-Realization) and I have not even experienced fourth-chakra Spiritual Awakening. This is no-self, not No-Self, and there is no involvement of the kundalini or chakras so far.