Last year I was sick for approximately six months with colitis. It took several months to diagnose. It involved food allergies and other things as well.
This year I seem to be inviting a major illness from a sleep-deprivation pattern.
But when I look deeper I see a major habitual, reactive pattern, which Vedantists call a “vasana,” underneath both illnesses.
Is illness the universe’s way of telling us to handle our patterns?
I see a pattern throughout my life of overworking myself and watching helplessly as my health declines. Finally some major illness occurs and I’m forced to take a rest.
The vasana or habit pattern is that I’m trying to prove to a critical father that I’m not lazy.
Sixty-three years old and still playing with childhood records! Hmmm, I think you could safely call this a racket.
This is the first time I’ve become aware of where I’m headed and the first time I’ve seen an illness as involving rackets and vasanas. I intend to use the clearing process on it and see if I can turn the situation around before I create a major disaster for myself.
I was writing one of you and noticed that I took a certain stance on this issue of sleep deprivation. I was getting whiney.
I had a good night’s sleep two nights ago but last night I got only two hours sleep again and I’m ready to keel over from the impact of it.
The stance I took was that I was powerless to do anything about the situation. Like a train headed for disaster, I could only follow the track.
But this time I’m not prepared to act out a vasana. I intend not to get sick.
I also intend not to resist what’s happening. When I do, the ill effects of the situation are multiplied.
So why am I discussing this? Because I plan to ease up on the amount I publish. I think I’ve proven to my father dozens of times over that I’m not lazy. Dad isn’t even around any longer and still I go on proving it. Hey, Dad, pretty silly, huh?
Enough is enough. A vasana is a vasana, no matter how good some of its effects are for me or for others. Any automatic behavior turns a person, in the end, into a robot.
The most important thing for me right now is to complete this pattern. I’m not sure what it will take or what it’ll look like. But I don’t intend to lose my health once again and be of no use to anyone, including myself. Not wishing to be disrespectful or inconsiderate, but I intend to rest up over here and take it easy. Yes, indeed, I may even take a holiday. Be unpredictable. Put my feet up. Just veg.
I’ve always assumed that illness arises because of some physical weakness, ailment, karma, etc. But I’ve never approached it as something I’m doing to myself out of an unconscious repetition of patterned behavior. I’m tired of behaving like a robot. I want the human being underneath the patterns to emerge.